I went out with a colleague the other day and jokingly I told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her. She laughed it off but asked me why I thought that. I told her because he uses walkthroughs to beat single player campaigns. She called the simple notion that I could tell what kind of boyfriend she had by what his style of gameplay and the games he played was ridiculous. Well today I’m laughing in her face as she cries into her ice cream, listening to the Taylor Swift album on repeat. One thing that I have learned over the years is that we are what we play. I played Mario all of my life, therefore I’m a fat Italian, it’s just science. But in all seriousness it all comes down to the games he plays and his style of game play.

It's just so true

Let’s have a look at the genre of games. The 1st person shooter is probably the most popular genre of gaming. So across all platforms the war rages between Call Of Duty and Battlefield. They offer different styles of gameplay and yield two different types of boyfriends. If your boyfriend plays COD then pack your bags ladies because that shit wont work.. Take a look at COD, it offers gamers an arcadey style of gameplay. The matches themselves are quick in and out matches. This reeks of promiscuity. I mean a lot of COD players run around just blasting other people in the face. Which leads me to believe, they are running around blasting other girls in the face. Sorry for the mental image. Now Battlefield on the other hand offers a more tactical approach to FPS. To really make an impact, you have to work within a team. Also to maximize your XP it is important to understand your role. By playing your part you can achieve victory. So ladies if your BF is rocking BF then he is dedicated to you. Willing to play his part to make your partnership work.

Now the sports genre is a different kind of game for a different kind of gamer. They are the only games that mimic their real life counterpart. So if your boyfriend is a beast at Madden then he thinks he is a jock. A couch jock, you can call him a cock. Think of it as dating the star quarterback of your high school football team, but instead of an athlete he sits around all day playing Madden. And any good athlete knows you have to be confident in what you do. If you are good in NB2K/Madden you know you are good at it, much like an athlete. Most of the time you aren’t afraid to talk some trash. So sports games yield cocky boyfriends if they are good at the game. If they are good at NHL you are dating a Canadian. If they are good at Fifa they are a foreigner that doesn’t know what real football is. Sorry I’m a pigheaded American.

Madden takes a lot out of you!

Platformers are the next ones on our list. Mario, Kirby, Ratchet & Clank, Little Big Planet, and whatever other cartoony character platformers are out there are great showcases. They showcase that your gamer is a child at heart. He would be a great father. Someone your mother would love. But sometimes he can be immature. His heart is in the right place but he may not know how to act at adult functions. When a talk breaks out about the ins and outs of Falkner, he mentions RL Stine.

Now games like Gears of War, Uncharted, Arkham Asylum, and Rockstar games give the gamer a 3rd person POV. Meaning your boyfriend can sometimes be standoffish. He carries a rough exterior. However, he sees the whole situation or the “big picture”. Which means they can sometimes be manipulative in the relationship. But these types of gamers/boyfriends can deliver the most worthwhile relationships. Bringing you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. OMFG I sound like Dr. Phil.

Now what about World of Warcraft gamers? What kind of boyfriends are they? Well let’s be honest those guys are never getting laid. But if given the chance these gamers would be the most dedicated to you. Maybe a little too much, smothering you every chance they get. Not because of their actual girth but because they would want to make you feel like a princess. They would valiantly protect you at every cost. Getting jealous of every knight that wanted to “joust” you. As they are only an ogre with no life. It would end sadly.

I'll be your knight

Most of the time your boyfriend will play more then one style of game. They may rock COD all night while playing Mario Sunshine during the day. Madden and Gears of War may be the winning combination. So they may have a multitude of these traits. It all comes down to the percentage of games and its simply math equation from there. Ladies remember this is a perfect science. Make sure you check the games he is playing before you become the game.

P.S. Dr. Phil suck on that.

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Sweet Matty Treats is gamersriot.com’s resident douche bag. The things he types in no way reflect the views nor thoughts of the entire riot crew. In fact most of the rioters don’t like him but feel sorry for him because he was raised by a pack of wild boars.